Jumbled Thoughts
by Twilightlova20
Summary: Set between 3x03 "Fireflies" and 3x04 "Unleashed". Stiles has a hard time dealing with Heather's death and someone who he didn't think cared offers him support while his best friend does the same. But, what happens when Heather's death causes a whole new set of feelings and guilt to rise up inside of Stiles and be revealed?


**Jumbled Thoughts**

She's dead. Heather is dead. I can't take my eyes off of her white, cold, pale body. I grew up with her. We went to nursery school together and now she's dead all because I wasn't prepared and I left her alone in that basement. Why wasn't I prepared? I would love to blame the alpha pack on this, especially those twins, but I can't since its not their fault. I keep staring at her body trying to come up with some solution to what could have happened. I should have not come back into the room but I had to. I questioned the woman about her girlfriend and I still can't process that someone could be making human sacrifices.

_"Stiles do you know what I want for my birthday?"_

_"A bike."_

_"No, to not be a 17 year old virgin."_

I can barely hear Ms McCall's voice trying to calm me down, "Stiles. Stiles are you alright?"

I feel my breathes getting shorter and I am struggling to gasp for air. I can feel myself going into a panic attack. Oh god, I this hasn't happened since mom died. I feel like I can't breath. The air won't get to my lungs. I hear Ms McCall telling me to breath. "Oh my god! Stiles breathe. Deep breathes, breathe!" But I can't. I hear her call Scott and hear her tell me that Scott is on his way to get me. I wonder what's going to happen now.

It feels like hours later but the next thing I know Scott's hands are holding me and leading me away from Heather's body. I hear Melissa tell Scott that she will call my dad and say that I won't be home. Doesn't matter since he is on the night shift anyways. Scott's comfort helps me to relax and breathe. I remember what I need to tell Scott. I stop Scott from guiding me any further and I wait until Melissa has left the room until I make my way over to Heather again while Scott tries to stop me. I lift up the white sheet and point out the cut marks and the bashed in head to Scott. "Human sacrifices. These are human sacrifices Scott."

I look up to see Scott pull out his phone and text Derek. Not even a minutes later there's a response.

"What did he say?"

"Just that we will discuss it later. Come on." Scott grabs me by the arm and pulls the white sheet over Heather once again. I look over at Heather's lifeless body one last time before we are completely out of the room. Scott keeps his hands on my arm and back, guiding me down the hallway and to the exit of the hospital. My panic attack may be gone but I feel numb inside. I haven't felt like this since my mom died, and Heather and I weren't even that close as we were when we were younger. I notice several people's worried glances towards me as we travel the halls. We step outside into the warm night air and walk across the parking lot. I still feel out of it. Scott places me into my jeep on the passenger side and climbs in the drivers side and I realize that he has taken the keys out of my pocket.

"Don't worry, my mom's not telling your dad about the panic attack." I only nod at that. I see Scott hesitate before asking, "Was this the first panic attack since-"

I nod, "since my mom died, yeah."

Scott gives me a sympathetic look before starting the engine and steering my jeep out of the hospital parking lot. Scott keeps on driving through Beacon Hills and I stare out the passenger window.

_"Do you know what I want for my birthday?"_ I jump as Heather's voice pops into my head. Scott looks at me, "Stiles?" he questions.

I shake my head at him. Scott sighs before pulling over onto the side of the road. We sit in silence for what seems to be ages before Scott finally speaks.

"I understand if you don't want to talk about it. I can't say that I understand how you are feeling Stiles but I want you to know that I am here for you when you want to talk."

I nod. I think about his offer but I decide that I'm not ready to talk yet. I feel something wet slide down my cheek and I jump in surprise as I realize that I am crying. More tears fall and I feel the lump in my throat before I break down. Scott slide over in the jeep and pulls me into his arms.

"Shh. Let it out." he soothes me. He rubs my back as I cry my eyes out and when I finally manage to calm down, he slides back over to the drivers side and pulls back onto the road. I have no idea where Scott is taking me but I sit in silence for once and just let him drive. I honestly don't care where I am going. Why should I? Heather's dead and it's all my fault. I feel the jeep begin to slow down and then stop. I look up to see that we have pulled up to Derek's loft.

I glance at Scott in confusion.

"I would have taken you home or to my house but Derek insisted on bringing you here. You kept mumbling something about human sacrifices to me and Derek thinks you would be safer there with him, and Isaac to look after you."

I notice that Scott doesn't include himself in that matter.

"I will be with you Stiles, but I have to also make sure my mom is alright tonight. You'll be safe with Isaac and Derek. Peter has Cora and Boyd chained up at his apartment so they won't be there. But I will be back for you in the morning then I am not letting you leave my side for the rest of the weekend, alright?"

I nod my head at him. I faintly hear foot steps approaching the jeep and I glance up to see Derek and Isaac making their way towards us. I turn my head to see Scott getting out of the jeep and make his way over to my side. It's like I forgot how to move and the next thing I know, my door is being opened and Scott and Isaac are helping me out of the jeep. They both keep a good grip on both of my arms and they lead me to the door of the loft which Derek is holding open.

_Huh, so the sourwolf has manners now._

I'm brought inside Derek's loft and I feel myself being placed onto the couch with Scott and Isaac sitting on either side of my body. I hear Scott explaining to Derek what I told him about the human sacrifices and Derek agrees that it's something we need to keep our eye on. I feel Scott stand up and I know that he's getting ready to leave to go to his mom.

"I'll be back tomorrow Stiles." Scott addresses me. I glance up and I'm about to open my mouth to tell him to take me with him but the glare that Derek gives me from behind Scott stops me.

"Okay then, Scotty boy."

Scott gives me a worried look at the nickname and I see that he ponders my sanity before nodding and leaving the loft. I sense that Isaac and Derek were listening to Scott's moms car driving away from the loft while they watch my every movement on the couch. Isaac leaves the room and I can hear him in the kitchen banging around in the cupboards. Derek leaves for the moment as well and soon returns with a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and hands them to me. I get the hint to leave the room and I head to the bathroom to change my clothes. I take longer than necessary getting changed; just wasting time before I have to go back out and face Derek and Isaac and whatever they may say.

_"Do you want to?"_

I grip the sink with both hands and look at myself in the mirror. I can't get the image of Heather out of my head. What's worse, thinking about the last moment I had seen her alive or thinking of when I seen her lying there dead? I feel tears stringing my eyes again and before I can get them in control they turn into full blown water works. I'm fully aware that Isaac and Derek can hear me but I honestly don't care anymore. I don't care what they think of me. Everything's my fault anyways. I sit on the bathroom floor crying endlessly and I don't hear the door open or the person that comes into the bathroom. But I do feel the arms that wrap around me and that try to comfort me. I turn my head slightly to see who it is. Isaac. I lean into him and grip onto him for dear life. I don't know how long it takes me to get my tears under control but when I begin to quiet down, Isaac helps me stand up off of the bathroom floor and leads me back to the couch where I notice Derek now sitting on. I see the look in his eyes when he glances up at Isaac and I. Pity. I shake the feeling I get when I see his look because I don't want any pity. Isaac gently nudges me onto the couch beside Derek and he retreats back to the kitchen for a moment. I don't look at Derek and instead focus on a spot on the wall across the room. I hear footsteps approaching which are Isaac's and he hands me a plate that contains a sandwich.

So that is what he was doing in the kitchen.

I smile at him in appreciation and that seems to make him happy.

"I thought that you may be hungry."

I take the plate from him and mumble a "thanks." I eat the sandwich slowly and watch Isaac sit down on the other side of me and lean back into the cushions of the couch. I glance around Derek's loft and see that nothing has changed. There's still barely any furniture and it's not very...homey. However, it is an improvement from the Hale house and the old train station. I take the last bite of my sandwich and chew slowly not wanting to continue to sit in complete silence any longer. I glance at Isaac, who is sitting on my right, and plead with him to help me out. He takes the hint that I can't stand the silence but that I don't want to talk about the events of the night and he stand up only to walk away.

_So much for the help there Isaac_.

But a moment later he returns carrying a pillow and some blankets that I assume are for me. I smile in thanks and stand up so that I can make up my bed for the night. Isaac takes my plate and leaves the room, leaving me alone with Derek. He has now stood up as well and I begin arranging the pillows and blankets the way that I like them. The heavy silence is weird. I can hear Isaac cleaning up in the kitchen, and I glance at Derek only to see him staring right back at me.

"What? Is there something on my face?" I frantically wipe my face with my hands and the sleeves of my shirt but a hand reaches out and grabs my arm, stopping my movements.

Derek's holding onto my arm gently and he seems to be searching for what to say. My attention wanders again away from Derek and to the couch that I could be asleep on at that very moment.

"No, there's not anything on your face. I just didn't think you were the type to go to bed early." Derek says before dismissing the topic. I open my mouth to protest and demand to know what he meant but I glance behind Derek and see Isaac come back into the room. Derek lets go of my arm and I move to lay down on the couch.

"Night guys," I state before settling into the nest of blankets that Isaac brought me. Isaac mumbles a "goodnight" to me before heading off to his bed. Derek just gives me a look before turning to go to his bed as well.

I close my eyes and I soon find myself drifting into blackness.

_I'm back in the room standing in front of the body of the dead guy from the pool that Lydia found. However, Ms McCall is nowhere in sight. I can hear strange noises coming from the other body in the room. I slowly find myself advancing towards that body ready to investigate. As I cross the tiled floor and approach the table, the noise gets clearer and I realize that it's somebody breathing. The person who is under the sheet is breathing. I feel my feet running forward, almost slipping in the process, and I quickly remove the sheet from the person's face. Heather is lying there, breathing, and looking at me._

_"Heather?" I question while feeling my heart rate quicken._

_"You did this to me."_

_I feel her words hit me in the gut, hard. She's looking at me with a hatred that I have never seen on anyone's face before._

_"Heather wha-" But I'm cut off my her grabbing my wrist and squeezing hard on it to the point where I can actually say it hurt._

_"It's your fault. If you only were prepared then I may still be alive Stiles. What kind of teenage boy is not prepared. Huh?"_

_I'm at a lost for words. The lump in my throat feels like it's getting larger and I have no idea what to say. I feel the pressure on my wrist tighten and I know that it's going to leave some bruising._

_"It's all your fault Stiles. I'm only 17! I don't want to be dead." She begins crying now and I don't know what to do. I try to move forward more to comfort her but the hand on my wrist tightens as if warning me to stay back._

_"Heather, I'm sorry! Please!" I feel tears pouring down my cheeks as the hold she has on me is causing me physical pain. She sits up slowly and pulls out a thick wire that I assume made the rope mark on her throat. She reaches towards me with an evil smile on her face and I begin begging and screaming for help._

_"Stiles, wake up."_

_"HELP! SOMEONE HELP!"_

_"Stiles, you need to wake up."_

_"MS MCCALL! HELP ME!"_

_"STILES!"_

My eyes pop open and I'm welcomed with the darkness from Derek's loft and Isaac's face directly in front of mine.

"AHH!" I yell and flail my arms around. I see the worried look that Isaac has in his eyes and the hint of a smile that he has from my reaction.

"Sorry, you were having a nightmare. You were yelling out, screaming for help," Isaac explains to me. I nod and move into a sitting position.

"Thanks dude," I tell Isaac as he takes a seat next to me. I briefly take a glance around to see if Derek's standing nearby, but I don't notice him anywhere near the couch. Isaac notices my confusion and the glances around the loft and explains, "I told Derek that I had it under control. He went back to bed."

"Oh good. I wouldn't want him to think that I'm some big old wimp or something."

Isaac raises an eyebrow questioningly.

"Never mind," I mumble. We continue to sit there in silence for a few minutes. I'm not sure if Isaac is tired or not since he is just sitting here keeping me company. I know that at this rate I'm not going to be going back to sleep because of that stupid nightmare. Was it my fault? Does she actually blame me? I can't help but feel that while she had only moments left of her life, she was thinking of how much I am to blame for all of this. I should have been prepared or been a lot quicker upstairs. I was so deep in thought, that I didn't notice that Isaac had turned his attention towards me and had been watching me for the past few moments as I thought about Heather.

"You okay?" he questions. I jump at bit over his voice speaking to me and breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, who me? Yeah of course, why wouldn't I be fine." I jumble out my words quickly.

Isaac sighs before speaking, "Stiles, you don't have to pretend with me. Or Scott for that matter. Even Derek. We all know that you're not fine."

"I can handle it on my own," I defend.

"I don't doubt that, but you don't have to. You're always there for us. Let someone be there for you. Let somebody help."

"How am I supposed to do that. How can I just let someone help me. I'm not use to it," I exclaim.

Isaac ponders my question for a moment, "Well, for starters do you want to tell me about the nightmare that you were just having." I instantly pale at the thought of even describing the dream and the thoughts that I have from that night roaming around in my head.

"Uh, no that's alright. The nightmare was nothing. Hey, how about we do some research or something," I say. I take out my phone but before I can even unlock it, it's snatched from my hand. I look up to see that Isaac has placed it onto the table by the couch that has my clothes from the night before on.

"Hey!" I protest. Isaac doesn't seem to care that he just snatched my phone.

"No Stiles. What was the nightmare about?"

I sit there in complete silence, which is a rare moment for me. I don't want to tell him. I don't want to tell him or Scott for that matter because it's admitting that I am weak, which I don't want anyone to think. I'm afraid that they are going to say it is my fault or that I should be more prepared next time because I know that. I already am aware of it and I don't want to be reminded of it any longer.

"Stiles. You can trust me. I know that I probably haven't given you much chance to believe so but you can," Isaac murmurs to me softly. I think over his words and decide that maybe I will put my trust in him as well. Plus, maybe if I told him first then it will better prepare me to tell Scott about it as well.

"The nightmare was about Heather," I begin. I see Isaac nod which I guess he assumed that was what the nightmare was about.

I continued, "I was back in the room but the only difference was that I was alone this time. I don't even know where Ms McCall went. I was standing over the body of the guy that Lydia had found at the pool when I heard this strange noise. I wasn't sure at first what the noise was but I noticed that it was coming from the other body in the room. I went to investigate but as I got closer I could tell that it was breathing that I heard. The body was breathing so I ran forward, tripping in the process," Isaac smirks at that image, " and I uncovered the face of the body which turned out to be Heather. She was just lying there, eyes opened staring up at me. She grabbed onto my wrist and she was actually quite strong and her grip got tighter and tighter as she kept saying it was my fault. That I should have been prepared, and maybe she would still be alive right now. She proceeded to pull out a thick wire which I am pretty sure what was used to make the deep cut in her throat, and she was leaning towards me more like she was going to do the same to me. That was when I started screaming for help -which I assume was what you heard while you were trying to wake me up."

Isaac looks utterly disturbed as I finished telling him about my nightmare. I can't blame him though, it was creepy having to be the one in it. Isaac doesn't seem to have anything to say to me at the moment, but the silence is starting to get at me.

"Isaac?" I question him, trying to get him to say something – anything – to me.

"Stiles," Isaac begins, "you do understand that what happened to your friend wasn't your fault, right?"

"Yeah, I know," I lie. Which was stupid since I felt my heart rate quicken and I know that Isaac heard it as well.

"Stiles, it's not your fault. So what if you weren't prepared? That doesn't make you a bad person."

"I see what your saying, I guess. I just wish that I was prepared, you know. But then when I think of it, why would I be prepared? It's not like anybody has ever wanted me. Not Lydia, not Danny, not anyone," I admit.

"Hey, it's their lost honestly. I'm not into you like that though, before you start getting any ideas in that head of yours, but you will find somebody who likes you for you. And hey, your friend obviously wanted you."

I give a harsh laugh, "I don't know. She didn't want to be a 17 year old virgin any longer. Who knows if it was only because she wanted to get it out of the way and I was the easiest person or something. You should have seen the look on my face the moment she came over and kissed me, or Scott's for that matter, I was completely caught off guard. The only girl I have ever had eyes on were Lydia."

"That does suck. But the girl sounded like she would have been good for you. And if you remember me telling you, you're not the only one who has ever been rejected by Lydia Martin," Isaac states to me.

I laugh, "True. But I'm the only one who it took almost 10 years to get the hint that she was in love with Jackson, or still is for that matter because hey, she can't get over him that quick."

Isaac laughs with me. "Yeah that's true. But at least you guys are friends now and at least you're finally past that. Nothing to hold you back any longer. Now you just have to keep reminding yourself that Heather was not your fault."

"But what about everything else that has happened?" I ask Isaac. I turn my head to look at his face and I see that he has no idea what I am talking about.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, it's my fault for a lot of other things. My dad got fired because of me. Like I know that he got his job back but I can still remember the moment when he told me he got fired. He wasn't mad, he was disappointed. But I felt like the disappointment was directed towards me not himself which made me feel even worse. That was my fault. But at least that was fixable. It was my idea to go into the woods the night Peter bit Scott. I wanted to look for the missing half of Laura's body but we got caught and Scott hid from my dad and ended up getting bitten. He's stuck in this mess now because of me and there's no way for him to ever get cured. If we hadn't been in the woods then he would still be human and I wouldn't feel so damn guilty," I admit to Isaac.

"You shouldn't feel guilty."

I jump because that voice didn't belong to Isaac but to someone else. Someone familiar. I glance up to see Scott approaching the couch that Isaac and I were currently sitting on. I feel absolute scared for the fact that I suspect that Scott had heard a lot of the conversation at hand and I feel nervous for the conversation that I am going to be forced into by Scott.

"Hey Scott buddy! What are you doing here?" I say excitedly, hoping that he will let it go but the way he narrows his eyes at me makes me believe that he won't be letting what I just said to Isaac slide. I look over at Isaac and notice that he doesn't seem surprised at all to see Scott.

"You knew he was there!" I accuse Isaac.

He doesn't look sorry at all though, "Yeah I did. He needed to hear this because we all knew that once tomorrow came you were going to try and let what happened tonight slide. Derek didn't go back to bed, he's not here. He send Scott a text on his way out before I woke you up."

I actually feel like I could punch him or even Scott for that matter. Hell, I would take a strike at Derek. Well, scratch that one. I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the cushions of the couch. I know I look like a child right now but I honestly don't care.

Isaac stands up and turns to look at me, "I wasn't being fake or anything Stiles. You do have other people who care about you. I am being a friend towards you and that's why I am going to leave and let you and Scott talk on your own. Plus I'm not sure how mushy you two are going to get, so I better get out of here and go keep Derek company."

I hear Scott thank Isaac before Isaac leaves the loft, leaving Scott and I alone. Scott takes Isaac's spot on the couch and turns his attention fully towards me.

"I guess there's a lot I didn't catch onto with you. Why didn't you ever tell me you feel that way?" he asks me. I shrug my shoulders and turn my head in the other direction.

"Stiles." I feel him shake my shoulder a bit, trying to get my attention.

"Stiles." I don't turn around and instead look farther away from him.

"Stiles, look at me!" Scott exclaims to me, raising his voice. I feel compelled to listen and so I turn my head towards him waiting for him to speak.

"Thanks. Now... I need you to listen to me and hear me when I say that it is not your fault. Not your fault about Heather and the night of the party, not your fault about anything. Especially about the night that I got bitten by Peter."

I shake my head at him.

"Yeah it is. It was my idea to go into the woods searching for the body!"

"Yeah it was Stiles! But it was my choice to run off when you got caught!"

I'm about to protest but he continues.

"When your dad caught us, I chose to hide behind the tree. I chose not to come out from hiding when your dad called my name. I chose to run off further in the woods. It was my fault. Not yours. Mine."

"But it was still my idea to be there in the first place!" I shout.

"Okay fine it was. It was your idea. But it was my choice on how the night could have ended. Not yours. I need to you stop blaming yourself for things that were out of your control. I've already told you it's okay that you aren't like me. Do you remember that? At the lacrosse game, you told me that you want to help but you can't do the things that I can do. I said it was okay because it is. You do help Stiles. Your one of the people that helps the most. It's not your fault I got bitten, let it go Stiles. Just accept that its not your fault. You are not to blame for any of it."

I shake my head again.

Scott sighs, "Why do you insist on believing that it's your fault?"

"Because everything has to be! I'm Stiles, the dumb ass kid who screws everything up. I'm the kid that nobody wants to hear talking and the kid that everyone loves to ditch and leaves hanging. You included."

"What are you talking about? I don't ditch you for Allison."

"Who says i was talking about Allison?"

"Because despite what people think, I'm not dumb. And plus the only other person I used to be around a lot was Allison."

I roll my eyes at Scott, hoping he wouldn't see. But he did.

"Saw that."

I smirk at his comment.

"It's not your fault Stiles. For any of it. And by the way, I'm sorry about the stuff with Allison."

"It's fine dude. Honestly. It's going to take a while though before I can believe that it's not my fault for any of it. I may never believe it," I tell him.

"That's not what I want to hear, or what Isaac will want to hear. But it's a start I guess. Don't worry, I'll convince you though." Scott grins at me. I smile back at him.

"So, have you gotten much sleep? Derek mentioned that you had a nightmare?" Scott prompts. I nod my head at him and begin telling him my nightmare. Every last detail from the nightmare. I don't leave anything out, I mention Heather crying, which I forgot to mention to Isaac and I mention the overwhelming need I had to try and save her. Scott's eyes widen at the most horrific parts of the nightmare and I can tell he is frightened of the nightmare too, even though he wasn't the one who had to endure it.

"Uh, wow."

"Oh Scotty boy, you had so much to say before," I tease. Scott playfully punches me on the arm and that makes me laugh and almost fall off the couch.

"Shut up."

I smile and I continue explaining to him what I told Isaac, even though he heard, and what I meant by everything I said. While I talked, Scott sat there and listened quietly to me and offered the support that I needed and the support that Isaac had given me earlier. Eventually, I began rambling and getting way off topic, but it helped because I needed the distraction. I could feel my eye lids get droopy again and I noticed that Scott was trying to hide a yawn.

"We can always talk again in the morning dude, it's fine. I wanna go back to sleep anyways." I state.

Scott nods at that but after a moment of thought he turns to me, "where am I going to sleep?"

"Well, there's Isaac's bed you could sleep in, or Derek's. Though I don't think you want him to attack you in the morning so you could go for Isaac's bed. Or stay with me. The couch is big enough for the both of us."

"I'll stay here," Scott says and he pulls the couch down so that it extends to a bed which surprises me.

Scott turns to look at me and notices the look on my face, "what?"

"I didn't know it could do that! What the hell!" I exclaim.

Scott grins at me, "I guess Derek and Isaac forgot to mention it," he suggests. I narrow my eyes at him but climb back onto the couch beside Scott who is now lying down as well. Moments go by before either one of us decides to speak.

"Hey Scott?" I mumble.

"Yeah," he says while yawning.

"Um, if I go to the funeral. Can you go with me?" I ask nervously.

"I was already planning on it, and yeah you are going to it. Remember the whole "you're not to blame" plan that I am going to prove to you."

I yawn in return, "Kay then."

"Night," Scott says to me before curling into a ball and cuddling a pillow.

"Night," I mumble back before closing my eyes and drifting off into a slumber again.


End file.
